Everyone grieves differently. Personal and family experiences with death, religious beliefs, community exposure and cultural traditions all play a role. Below are some of the more or less predictable adolescent reactions to a suicide and suggested responses.
• Shock and Denial. At first there may be remarkably little response. The reality of the death has yet to be absorbed. "You are kidding, right?" "This is just a joke-it can't be true."
Suggested Response: Acknowledge the shock, anticipate the reaction to come, show a willingness to talk when the youth are ready.
• Anger and Protection. Generally speaking, "black and white" thinking sets in. Youth want someone to blame for this and may openly express/ direct anger at the deceased's parents/teachers/boy/girlfriend. "Why did you let this happen?" "It is all your fault that this happened!"
Suggested Response: Listen and then listen some more. Gently explain that it is natural to want to find a reason for things we don't understand. Suggest that suicide is a very complicated human behavior and that there are always multiple reasons. Explain that blaming another individual may be very harmful to them.
• Guilt. Youth close to the deceased may blame themselves. "If only I had called him back last night;" "I should have known...I should not have teased him...."
Suggested Response: Remind the youth that only the person who kills him/herself is responsible for having made that decision. Be clear that you don't believe it is his/her fault.
• Anger at the Deceased. This is surprisingly common, among close friends as well as those who were not close to the deceased. "How could she do something so stupid?"
Suggested Response: Allowing and acknowledging some expression of anger is helpful. Explain that this is a normal stage of grieving. Acknowledgment of anger often lessens its intensity.
• Anxiety. Youth sometimes start to worry about themselves and/or other friends. "If she could get upset enough to kill herself, maybe the same thing will happen to me (or one of my friends)."
Suggested Response: Help the youth see the differences between themselves and the dead person. Remind them that help is always available. Discuss other options and resources. Practice problem solving.
• Loneliness. Those closest to the deceased may find it almost impossible to return to a normal routine, and may even resent those who appear to be having fun. They may feel empty, lost, totally disconnected. They may become obsessed with keeping the memory of their friend alive.
Suggested Response: Encourage them to help each other move forward in positive ways. Notice anyone who seems to be isolating from others and reach out to them, offering resources to help with the grieving process.
• Hope and Relief. Once the reality of the death has been accepted, and the acute pain of the loss subsides, youth find that life resumes a large degree of normalcy and they come to understand that over time, they feel much better. They can remember their friend without the extreme pain.
Suggested Response: Simply remain open to listening to their feelings, especially on anniversaries (two weeks, months, years etc.), and transition times (graduations etc.). Recognize the importance of both mourning and remembering.
Adapted with permission from Maine.gov